I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
