as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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