he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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