I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
