My underwear smells like fireworks.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
