she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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