i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
