So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
