In regards to your tweet: as its been said on all of those posters on ffffound: keep calm and carry on
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
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