So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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