You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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