I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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