my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
