I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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