I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
