I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
