how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
