i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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