He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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