wrigley field is MILF paradise
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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