She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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