brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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