You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
