she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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