If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
