Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I could fuck to npr.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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