Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Be still, my beating vagina.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
