I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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