happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
