meet me or not, i'm out of control
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
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