I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize