got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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