I can't breathe out the right side of my face
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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