last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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