All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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