everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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