I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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