it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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