I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
