mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
