I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize