It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
