he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Randomize
