my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Randomize
