She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
