There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
