Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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