I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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