I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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