Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
