Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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