So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
