He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
