I feel like I'm in dance class right now
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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