I just threw up on my dentist
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Randomize
