When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My day in three words: secret purse cake
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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