whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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