Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Randomize
