I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Don't tell me you're on acid again
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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