I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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