If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
